Further Thoughts on V Day

Published February 11, 2015 by singleandfabulous10

Last year on Valentine’s Day, I posted an entry here all about the up-side of being single. If you’re having trouble remembering what that is, now might be a good time to re-read it.

It’s that time of year again, when single people are, well, especially aware of being single – perhaps painfully so. And I suppose if you’re single and don’t want to be in a relationship, it’s no big deal. But a lot of the single gals I know are feeling a bit sad about V Day.

So, here’s my advice: Think of the perfect Valentine’s Day, the gift(s) you’d like to receive, the activities you’d like to be doing, etc. And then give it to yourself. The whole thing. Buy the flowers, the chocolates, the jewelry. Prepare or order your favorite dinner and dessert. If you’re craving physical touch, schedule a massage. If you don’t want to be alone, make plans with your single friends.

Sometimes we can spend a lot of time waiting for other people to fulfill our wishes. When, in fact, we’re quite capable of making ourselves happy, if we’d only give ourselves permission to do so.

Permission granted. Live it up. Have a great V Day. You deserve it.

Pornography and Romance Novels

Published January 9, 2015 by singleandfabulous10

There’s a popular recent link on Facebook to an article on how pornography contributes to men having an unrealistic sense of what sex is like with a real woman.

Okay, no argument there. These kinds of articles are pretty commonplace. Incidentally, if you want to watch an interesting movie on the topic, it’s worth seeing Don Jon. I’ve tried to talk with several of my male friends about this movie (as I wanted to hear a guy’s point of view of it), but everyone I’ve asked denies watching porn in the first place.

So much for honesty.

But I digress. The interesting question posed in the comments (by a woman no less) is whether or not there will be a corresponding article discussing the link between romance novels and the unrealistic expectations many women who read them have about relationships.

The point is, of course, that a variety of factors may account for unrealistic expectations in relationships, and that both men and women have them.

We are the architects of our own unhappiness, or happiness, as the case may be (and this applies, by the way, to more than just romantic relationships). If we set impossible standards, based on fantasies, romance novels, and the like, when reality fails to measure up, we may find ourselves repeatedly – or perpetually – disappointed.

If we constantly compare ourselves to people who have more than us (or who we think have it better than us), we will always come up short and will be consistently dissatisfied. If our warped sense of entitlement keeps us in a place where we think we’re being deprived of whatever it is we think we deserve, this is a recipe for unhappiness.

The reverse is also true. Those who look for the silver lining in everything are likely to find it. And those who cultivate gratitude generally find more to be grateful for and happy about.

What are you building?

How we date now

Published December 23, 2014 by singleandfabulous10

I just finished reading this short article which a friend shared with me, called “This is how we date now,” by Jamie Varon, which discusses dating in the modern world. As someone who has dated a lot, I can relate to much of what is said here.

Recently, I was struck by the fact that not one, but two men I have gone out with lately have said to me, “It’s so hard to meet someone.” Really? Aside from the cluelessness, the irony (and possibly also the rudeness) of making that remark to someone you’re on a date with, I don’t think it’s actually true.

I think it’s hard to meet someone with whom you can develop a meaningful relationship that’s not based on text messaging and Facebook updates. I think it’s hard to meet someone whose idea of love isn’t based on infatuation, obsession, fantasy, and longing. I think it’s hard to meet someone who wants to invest the time it takes to forge a deeper connection.

But I don’t think it’s hard to meet someone.

I think many of us have such an unrealistic idea of love that when the reality pales in comparison to our well-developed fantasies, we’re already moving on, saying how hard it is to meet someone. It seems like we want to treat time as such a commodity (or at least, we pay lip service to the concept). It’s as if no one wants to risk showing up at all, for fear of wasting their time. Yet strangely enough, the same people are willing to spend countless hours engaging in online parodies of relationships.

“Love is something you build.” (So say lyrics by Wah.) It’s true. Love isn’t some overwhelming feeling born of infatuation. It is something you build. And you can’t build it without showing up. Consistently. Over a period of time. The action, the attentiveness, the energy of being present: these things are the building blocks of love.

Actions create the feeling, not the other way around.

And yet, so many of us are waiting to be swept up in a feeling. Looking for the next hit, as Jamie observes.

Love isn’t some magical drug. In fact, relationships are a lot like so many other things in life. You get out what you put in. In other words, the greater your effort and investment, the deeper and more satisfying your relationships can be.

It starts with you.