I once dated a man who told me – in bed – that his ex-girlfriend gave the best blow jobs.
I can’t help but wonder how he expected me to respond. Was that intended to motivate me to prove him wrong? Or to offer him some sort of consolation prize instead?
I suppose he gets an A for honesty, though it’s hardly an objective statement.
He also gets an F for manners.
And he definitely didn’t get a blow job.
I might consider this an isolated incident, if it weren’t for the fact that prior to this, I dated a man who told me, in the car after what may have been only our second date, “Suck my dick.”
Ever the well-mannered girl, even in the face of this, I said, “No, thank you.”
Imagine my surprise when he unzipped his pants, whipped his dick out, and repeated himself.
I said no again, albeit a little less politely, and he seemed disbelieving. Maybe he’d never been turned down before.
His approach left a little something to be desired. It’s a bit reminiscent of that scene in American Pie. You remember the one. “Suck me, beautiful.”
Except less funny. And more disturbing.
He didn’t get a blow job either.
The American Pie kid gets a pass. He was maybe all of 19.
But these guys? They were in their 30s.
Yeah, a good man can be hard to find. And sometimes there’s no substitute for experience. In the words of Randy Pausch, “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. And sometimes experience is the best thing you have to offer.”
Knowing what you don’t want is a good first step to figuring out what you do.
Suck me, beautiful? No, thank you.