relationship

All posts tagged relationship

Further Thoughts on V Day

Published February 11, 2015 by singleandfabulous10

Last year on Valentine’s Day, I posted an entry here all about the up-side of being single. If you’re having trouble remembering what that is, now might be a good time to re-read it.

It’s that time of year again, when single people are, well, especially aware of being single – perhaps painfully so. And I suppose if you’re single and don’t want to be in a relationship, it’s no big deal. But a lot of the single gals I know are feeling a bit sad about V Day.

So, here’s my advice: Think of the perfect Valentine’s Day, the gift(s) you’d like to receive, the activities you’d like to be doing, etc. And then give it to yourself. The whole thing. Buy the flowers, the chocolates, the jewelry. Prepare or order your favorite dinner and dessert. If you’re craving physical touch, schedule a massage. If you don’t want to be alone, make plans with your single friends.

Sometimes we can spend a lot of time waiting for other people to fulfill our wishes. When, in fact, we’re quite capable of making ourselves happy, if we’d only give ourselves permission to do so.

Permission granted. Live it up. Have a great V Day. You deserve it.

How we date now

Published December 23, 2014 by singleandfabulous10

I just finished reading this short article which a friend shared with me, called “This is how we date now,” by Jamie Varon, which discusses dating in the modern world. As someone who has dated a lot, I can relate to much of what is said here.

Recently, I was struck by the fact that not one, but two men I have gone out with lately have said to me, “It’s so hard to meet someone.” Really? Aside from the cluelessness, the irony (and possibly also the rudeness) of making that remark to someone you’re on a date with, I don’t think it’s actually true.

I think it’s hard to meet someone with whom you can develop a meaningful relationship that’s not based on text messaging and Facebook updates. I think it’s hard to meet someone whose idea of love isn’t based on infatuation, obsession, fantasy, and longing. I think it’s hard to meet someone who wants to invest the time it takes to forge a deeper connection.

But I don’t think it’s hard to meet someone.

I think many of us have such an unrealistic idea of love that when the reality pales in comparison to our well-developed fantasies, we’re already moving on, saying how hard it is to meet someone. It seems like we want to treat time as such a commodity (or at least, we pay lip service to the concept). It’s as if no one wants to risk showing up at all, for fear of wasting their time. Yet strangely enough, the same people are willing to spend countless hours engaging in online parodies of relationships.

“Love is something you build.” (So say lyrics by Wah.) It’s true. Love isn’t some overwhelming feeling born of infatuation. It is something you build. And you can’t build it without showing up. Consistently. Over a period of time. The action, the attentiveness, the energy of being present: these things are the building blocks of love.

Actions create the feeling, not the other way around.

And yet, so many of us are waiting to be swept up in a feeling. Looking for the next hit, as Jamie observes.

Love isn’t some magical drug. In fact, relationships are a lot like so many other things in life. You get out what you put in. In other words, the greater your effort and investment, the deeper and more satisfying your relationships can be.

It starts with you.

How many Ho hos does it take?

Published November 26, 2014 by singleandfabulous10

You remember Ho hos, right? Chocolate cake roll with cream filling?

Yum.

I knew my relationship was on the rocks when the guy I was seeing nearly had a meltdown over me eating one.

I repeat, just one. Not a whole box, or a case, or anything like that.

He said, “ You shouldn’t eat that shit. You’re gonna get fat.”

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that I do not have, nor have I ever had, a weight problem. Regardless, I don’t need a running commentary on everything I put into my mouth.

He continued on, “Do you know what’s in those? They’re disgusting. I can’t believe you’re going to eat one.”

I ate two, just to make a point.

Shortly thereafter I shed a little excess weight, in the form of one judgmental and hyper-vigilant man.

Redefining Failure

Published August 16, 2014 by singleandfabulous10

I think it’s time to redefine failure. As a single person, it’s easy to feel like a failure.

Let’s face it, if you’ve reached a certain age and you haven’t, you know, “found someone,” people are going to start speculating about what’s wrong with you. Because, you might either have some flaw that isn’t readily apparent (Hmmm, what could it be?) or maybe you just aren’t looking hard enough.

But really, the marriages I’ve been treated to an insider’s perspective of are enough to make me feel like I’ve indeed dodged a bullet.

The idea that single people have failed is no doubt the product of social attitudes and the cultural obsession with couple-dom. We do so love a good “happily ever after” story. The trouble is, very few get to see what happens after the wedding.

I’ve been reading a book by Kim Stolz called “Unfriending my ex…and other things I’ll never do.” In it, she talks about how much relationships have changed in the age of the internet. Suffice it to say, things are not always what they appear to be. Some relationships look perfect from a distance (say, on Facebook), but they often don’t hold up to closer examination. Sometimes – more often than not – that perfect relationship  is nothing more than a mirage.

Not that it’s easy being alone, though.

I suppose the idea of becoming a crazy cat lady is enough to make you fear loneliness gone wrong on a level that will have you rushing off on a date with Mr. Good Enough.

I refuse to have even one pet: it might be the first step down a slippery slope to mismatched clothing, talking to my cats, and referring to them in conversation as my babies.

But seriously, before you say “I do,” make sure that what you’re getting is greater than what you’re giving up.

There’s an article that’s been making the rounds recently that’s worth a read: 5 regrets of the dying. It’s a good reminder to “think from the end” so that you create a meaningful life based on your values, rather than on other people’s expectations.

Another Bored Man

Published June 14, 2014 by singleandfabulous10

The other night, while out shopping, I ran into a man I used to date. He seemed happy to see me: “I’ve been thinking about you. I was going to call you.”

“Oh, really? Why?”

“Because I was bored.”

Wow. Really??

You were bored, and thought of me?

I’ve long said that people who are habitually bored lack imagination. I say this because if you have a rich inner life, it doesn’t really matter if exciting things are happening in the world around you. I suppose this is an introvert’s perspective.

I’ve come to believe that a lot of people (perhaps even the majority) are in relationships born out of – or sustained by – boredom or loneliness, or some combination of the two, with a dash of social status thrown in.

And, while it’s certainly an individual’s prerogative to be in a relationship for any reason he or she chooses, I can’t say that I find it particularly flattering when I realize that someone is seeking my company out of boredom or loneliness.

Call me quirky, but I like to aim a little higher than that.

The Truth

Published March 27, 2014 by singleandfabulous10

“The truth about intimate relationships is that…They can never be any better than our relationship with ourselves.” – J. Hollis

People often say that you can never really love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.

Now, this isn’t to say that you can’t be in a relationship if you don’t love yourself. You can be in a relationship your whole life without knowing the first thing about loving yourself.

But the reason I like the J. Hollis quote is because I think it addresses something that many people don’t consider, and that is the quality of their relationships.

I think it’s also true that before we can consider meeting another person’s needs in a relationship, we have to identify and express – and also learn to meet – our own needs. Which is where self-love comes in.

If I enter into a relationship without understanding what I want and need for myself, how can I know what will work for me? And what won’t?

And if I think love means running myself ragged trying to meet someone else’s needs, with no regard for my own, I’m probably going to be left with a giant heap of resentment. And perhaps a shell of a relationship, to go along with it.

Over the years I’ve actually found that time alone is an opportunity to become better acquainted with  – and even better friends with – myself.  And that, as I do this, the quality of my relationships has improved, while the number of relationships I’ve been in has declined.

Unfortunately, one of the things that gets thrown out at single people (a lot) is the idea that maybe they’re not ready for a relationship, because they need to “work on” themselves first.

I think the reality actually is that, the more time you spend alone – if, of course, you spend it in the sincere pursuit of self-knowledge and self-love – the less likely you are to engage in, or continue, a relationship with someone who doesn’t also have a good relationship with themselves. And since, culturally speaking, we don’t really value self-knowledge and self-love, there are a lot of people out there who are merely looking for someone who “completes” them.

All this is to say that, if you haven’t found someone to be with, maybe it’s not because of anything that’s wrong with you.

Really.

Laughter

Published March 11, 2014 by singleandfabulous10

Laughter is a powerful aphrodisiac

It’s true.

I am virtually powerless to resist a guy who can make me laugh. Maybe it’s all the endorphins. I don’t know.

But it’s the best high there is, next to sex, and as foreplay, there’s nothing better.

Over the years, some of my best relationships have been with guys who made me laugh.

Let’s face it. There are just so many moments in life where you have two choices: laugh or cry.

Okay, maybe three choices. The third one probably would be an act of violence.

I’m generally not the violent type, so I’m back to two choices: laugh or cry. And I’ve used a lot of Kleenex already, so I’m voting for laughter.

Life is just better when you can be with someone who makes you laugh. When you can laugh together over things that happen to you. And when you can be silly – even downright irreverent – together.

The bottom line? If you can find someone who makes you laugh (and doesn’t drive you crazy) you should hold onto him. Or give him my number.