How we date now

I just finished reading this short article which a friend shared with me, called “This is how we date now,” by Jamie Varon, which discusses dating in the modern world. As someone who has dated a lot, I can relate to much of what is said here.

Recently, I was struck by the fact that not one, but two men I have gone out with lately have said to me, “It’s so hard to meet someone.” Really? Aside from the cluelessness, the irony (and possibly also the rudeness) of making that remark to someone you’re on a date with, I don’t think it’s actually true.

I think it’s hard to meet someone with whom you can develop a meaningful relationship that’s not based on text messaging and Facebook updates. I think it’s hard to meet someone whose idea of love isn’t based on infatuation, obsession, fantasy, and longing. I think it’s hard to meet someone who wants to invest the time it takes to forge a deeper connection.

But I don’t think it’s hard to meet someone.

I think many of us have such an unrealistic idea of love that when the reality pales in comparison to our well-developed fantasies, we’re already moving on, saying how hard it is to meet someone. It seems like we want to treat time as such a commodity (or at least, we pay lip service to the concept). It’s as if no one wants to risk showing up at all, for fear of wasting their time. Yet strangely enough, the same people are willing to spend countless hours engaging in online parodies of relationships.

“Love is something you build.” (So say lyrics by Wah.) It’s true. Love isn’t some overwhelming feeling born of infatuation. It is something you build. And you can’t build it without showing up. Consistently. Over a period of time. The action, the attentiveness, the energy of being present: these things are the building blocks of love.

Actions create the feeling, not the other way around.

And yet, so many of us are waiting to be swept up in a feeling. Looking for the next hit, as Jamie observes.

Love isn’t some magical drug. In fact, relationships are a lot like so many other things in life. You get out what you put in. In other words, the greater your effort and investment, the deeper and more satisfying your relationships can be.

It starts with you.